Being Savvy Blog

Our Theme for September 2008

The Social Life of Preschoolers

Diaper Diplomacy

0 Comments
Mon
September
8
2008

"You can't come to my birthday party!"

"You're not my friend!"

"No!!!!!!!!!!"

THUD! 

However your little ones express themselves during a struggle with their friends or siblings -- whether it's one of the older preschool friendship-ending fiats or one of the younger set's yelps and hits -- as soon as something is voiced, it has become your problem too.  Convene a little session of the Parent U.N. because you've got some diplomacy to do.  Instead of the shape of the table, you may be navigating the struggles of the size of the cookie.  But the stakes feel just as high in your house. 

So, what do you do?  When you find yourself witnessing a showdown, what exactly do you do?  Do you let them work it out themselves?  When can they start that?  Do you address the older one first?  The guest?  When do you distract, and when do you draw the line? 

There are, of course, no easy answers, and your answers will evolve during the course of your child's little person-hood (and sometimes during the course of the day!).  But here are some touchstones we try to keep in mind:

"Conflict resolution techniques only work when both children are able to articulate their story and their feelings."  (the brilliant Betsy Brown Braun, who is going to be writing a guest article right here later this month!)

"A mother or teacher can often solve any momentary tangle by humorous verbalization, by shifting the scene of play, or merely suggesting some interesting elaboration of any current activity."  (Louise Bates Ames)

"And if we want our discipline to be effective, we need to know what a two year old is like, what possibilities he has for control of impulse, and what a five year old is like and what equipment he has for cooperating with our discipline." (Selma H. Fraiberg)

"Preschoolers may be capable of generating some of their own solutions.  You can encourage this by saying, 'It looks like you're both still holding on to that shovel.  You both really want it.  Can either of you think of a way to solve this problem?'"  (Laura Davis and Janis Keyser)

And you, what helps keep the peace in your house?

The Birthday Party Social Whirl

1 Comment
Sat
September
6
2008

Sometimes we get a bit frazzled when the wave of invitations splashes onto our family's calendar, but the truth is that nothing -- repeat, nothing -- is cuter than preschoolers at a birthday party. 

Put kids in this age group around a table with tiny chairs and cupcakes and party hats, and cue the "ahhhs" now.  Bring on the smiles and the tears, both ours and theirs for both, and call it precious.  Because it is.

We've told you before how big, big, big this whole birthday thing is to these wee ones.  And we've given you our best hints for making the happy gathering tread a bit more lightly on our fragile planet. 

And now we consider again the preschool birthday party.  It's a little microcosm of their social world, all in your own backyard and for only two hours.  (Whew.)  Some of these little ones love the party; others are overwhelmed into either mania or its twin, exhaustion.  But whether you've got yourself a flitting social butterfly or a wide-eyed skirt-clinger (or both, in oscillation throughout the day or the year), the birthday party looms large in these little ones' imaginations. 

And in the imaginations -- dreams? nightmares? delights? confusion? -- of their parents.

So, where do you stand, o Savvy parents? 

How many guests do you invite?  All the kids in the preschool class?  Only a number of guests equal to the age of the birthday boy or girl?

What about just-boys or just-girls preschool parties?

And when you're counting, are you assuming that siblings of your guests are welcome or that they'll be left at home?

When is the first year for drop-off parties, where parents simply bring their little darlings to the party and then collect them at the appointed hour? 

How do you feel about asking guests please not to bring a gift?  Or bringing a book or a tiny present instead?  (The threads on this topic on the Berkeley Parents Network are especially chock full of perspectives.  And for the little siblings just turning 1, we love Activity #237 on nonmaterial gifts from the great Rookie Mom's Handbook.)

Ack!  So much to consider!!  No wonder these little ones sleep so soundly at night -- the life of a social butterfly is tiring!

******************************
Looking for fun birthday party ideas near you?  Some of our Savvy insiders in Charleston, Detroit and DC are chiming in today with their best thoughts!

Wise Words from Christopher Robin and Pooh

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Fri
September
5
2008

This pair knows all about friendship.


Us Two
by A.A. Milne

Wherever I am, there's always Pooh,
There's always Pooh and Me.
Whatever I do, he wants to do,
"Where are you going today?" says Pooh:
"Well, that's very odd 'cos I was too.
Let's go together, "says Pooh, says he,
"Let's go together," says Pooh.

...

So wherever I am, there's always Pooh,
There's always Pooh and Me.
"What would I do?" I said to Pooh,
"If it wasn't for you," and Pooh said: "True,
It isn't much fun for One, but Two
Can stick together," says Pooh, says he.
"That's how it is," says Pooh.


from A.A. Milne's priceless collection of poetry Now We Are Six

The (Lifelong) Saga of Learning to Share (Or When to Buy Two and Be Done with It!)

1 Comment
Thu
September
4
2008

There are almost too many aspects of socialization in a preschooler's life to count. Sitting in a chair at dinner, sitting in a circle for story time. Using your inside voice, keeping your hands to yourself. Finding words, especially at the times when emotions are most overwhelming. And that's only the very, very beginning of the list.

But here's the top of the list: sharing. Or, more appropriately for preschoolers, taking turns.

And maybe, just maybe, we grown-ups need a refresher course on sharing too. It is clearly not a skill that is fully mastered in the early years, though the foundation is laid then.

Sharing requires a sense of empathy (feeling that someone else's desire for something is worthy), a big dose of patience (when it's not my turn, it will be again soon), and flashes of the impossible (putting your own wants on hold for a second while someone else gets a turn). Whoa. All this we ask of kids who are in or not so far from diapers. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Parents of twins get a crash course in how to minimize these struggles early. So do preschool teachers. They set up a room with lots of choices, and they help the littlest ones navigate through impulse control and into turn-taking. And they are empathetic, patient and impossibly kind themselves as they help out their class.

Here are some reflections on the lifelong saga of learning to share, the preschool edition:

Peace comes with abstract toys with tons of pieces or pieces that are all the same color. Unit blocks. Tinker Toys. Lincoln Logs. Everyone can build what she likes, and maybe the two structures can unite into a city. Or maybe not.

Shared -- but separate -- projects are also great tools of preschool diplomacy. A big long roll of butcher paper, lots of paint and brushes and fingers, and kids on opposite ends.

When you've got to broker the peace with some enforced turn-taking, think of a standard number you're going to count to, and then stick to it. If you always count to 20, then you don't negotiate whether this time Little Brother is going to get a turn until you count to 10 or 20. Or 200. Mommy always counts to 33, that's just the way it is.

Always allow your kids a few things that they decide ahead of a playdate (or forever at home) that they never have to share. Their lovey. Their brand-new doll or bike. No more than three, but those three can be untouchable.

If you're sharing a trike or a Razor or something prized like that with a friend who's visiting, think of having two helmets, so that at least the one who is waiting is ready to go at a moment's notice.

Cheap toys or things that are functioning as toys (yogurt containers in the sandbox, melamine cups at the tea party) should be plentiful. No sharing required if there are too many to count.

We are big fans of these three sharing rules from Stanford pediatrician Dr. Alan Greene. Asking permission, learning to say yes or offer an alternative, and treating others as you'd like to be treated. Like we told you, these are lifelong lessons to learn....

Sociality As They Grow

0 Comments
Wed
September
3
2008

One of the greatest wonders of the preschool years is watching our children develop their very first friendships. From babies who are overwhelmingly focused on their nearest and dearest caregivers, they become social creatures with playmates all their own.

For a developmental perspective on this transformation, we turn to one of our most trusted experts in early childhood, Louise Bates Ames. Her books on each year of child development are brilliant, full of insight and sensible too.

Here are a few excerpts on preschoolers' changing relationships to their peers --

On two-year-olds: "Parents should not be disappointed if the sociality of children of this age does not seem to amount to much. It can be disappointing, after you have gone to the trouble of getting children together, when they often do not seem to pay very much attention to each other. We assure you, getting them together is worthwhile."

On three-year-olds: "All that you have been waiting for in the direction of your child's playing nicely with others may come to you when your boy or girls turns Three. Children of this age, even though still rather immature in their social reactions, tend to be extremely enthusiastic about other children. 'We' is a favorite word, and 'friend' is coming into the child's vocabulary."

On four-year-olds: "The typical Four-year-old loves adventure, and other children, for him, can be a big adventure.... Children at this age enjoy each other so very much that often playtime goes smoothly without too much interference.... Children are now tremendously interested in each other as people, and they are also tremendously interested in, and ready for, group activity."

So you see, all of those playdates were worth it in the end. And it just keeps getting better!

Where are your children in this amazing process?


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